Stand Up Comedian's Acts Summarized
Lisa Lamponelli
"I like having sex with black guys because they have big, black dicks. Goodnight."
Larry the Cable Guy
"I shop at Wal-Mart. I have big farts."
Bill Engvall
"I'm just like Jeff Foxworthy only not as good. I came up with the 'There's Your Sign' bit because I couldn't say, 'You Might Be a Redneck If.' But check it out: women and men are so different. It's true! See, men like sex and women like to--I don't know--shop, like my wife. Yup, women are not interested in sex what so ever. That's been my experience because I suck."
Dave Attell
"I drink a lot. Also, how about sex and midgets?"
Lewis Black
"The Democrats and Republicans are morons! BAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
Bill Maher
"Republicans are evil and I am smarter than you. I want to remind you of that instead of telling jokes."
David Cross
"I'm going to start off my making stereotypical and frankly unoriginal jabs at conservatives. Comedy is really easy now that George W Bush is president because you really don't even need to tell jokes. You can just come out on stage in front of the right audience and say 'Bush is stupid!' and everyone will applaud and laugh for ten minutes. Then you can say "Bush is evil!' and they'll eat that shit up for another ten minutes. That's worth paying forty bucks a ticket for."
Dennis Miller
"Let me tell you Bill O'Reilly, Hillary Clinton is a horrible person. Damn liberals. Can I have my check now?"
"I like food."
Sarah Silverman
"Black people are scary, but I say that in a ironic way. Abortion, rape, ha ha."
Carlos Mencia
"Black people are scary, but I appear to mean that. My entire act is made up of easy racist jokes and when people rightly point out that I am not funny, I just accuse them of being against freedom of speech. Because I consider myself groundbreaking for relying on tired racist stereotypes and ignore the fact that comics have been making fun of race for decades and, unlike me, actually being funny at it. Dee-dee-dee!"
George Carlin
"You can tell I haven't been trying since the 70's. God damn it, I'm tired."
Demetri Martin
"Look at this funny drawing. Listen to this funny song."
Dave Chappelle/Chris Rock/Just about every black comedian who isn't Bill Cosby
"Niggas is so crazy."
Sam Kinison
"WOMEN ARE HORRIBLE AND LOVE IS A CROCK OF SHIT! AHHHHH!!!! WOMEN WILL BREAK YOU'RE HEART! I REMEMBER THE SECOND GRADE!. I GAVE SUSIE PATERSON A NOTE THAT SAID 'DO YOU LIKE ME?' AND CHECK A BOX 'YES' 'NO' OR 'MAYBE SO'! SHE GAVE IT BACK TO ME SHE CHECKED 'NO'! SHE BROKE MY HEART! SHE BROKE ME HEART! AHHHHH!!!! THAT BITCH! THAT WHORE! AHHHHH!!!!"
Robin Williams
"YouknowyouseeontheTVpolitcianslyinglikeBillClintonsayingehdidnothavesexualrelations
withthatwomanwhenreallyhewasgoingzoo-zoo-zoo-zoooooointheovalofficelike
PepeLePewlookingatafemalecat'ohmylovemymonameoohikissyouyoukissmedownthere.'"