101 Things A College Girl Should Know
I bought the book 101 Things a College Girl Should Know because it was for sale at Goodwill for a nickel. I read it and was underwhelmed. Well faithful readers I am doing you a favor, not only am I reprinting the book in its entirety minus the introduction but I am adding my own comments on the tips. Please notice that I wrote on average three times as much for each tip as the person who wrote the book.1. Always drink eight glasses of water a day
This isn't really a college specific tip. It's not like once you graduate high school you suddenly lose your savings through against dehydration or something.
I'm sorry if that reference didn't really make sense. I only really played Dungeons and Dragons one year… my Freshmen year…OF COLLEGE.
Whoe, that joke just completed the circle.
2. Whenever a professor offers office hours, visit him/her
It makes a good impression
I never did this. I also was never on good terms with any of my professors or remembered their names. It might be a god idea if you did this.
3. Save money the summer before you go to school
Parents never give you enough money
This is a good idea. I always worked during the summer and lived off the earnings for the rest of the year. I also always ran out of money in February and had to steal food from people the rest of the year. The trick was stealing food from tiny people I knew I could beat up, so that they wouldn't try stopping me.
4. Don't get drunk and order pizza
It costs a lot and you'll put on the pounds
Eating pizza while drunk is probably the greatest thing ever. I don't care how much it costs or how fat I'm getting or whose birthday I'm ruining, I am going to do it.
5. Learn the library IMMEDIATELY !!!
That doesn't even make sense. Learn the library? How the hell do I learn the library? I already know what a library is, there isn't anything else to learn except the college shelving system, but you really don't need to learn it since the librarians don't want you putting things back on the shelf anyways since you'll probably put it in the wrong place.
Learn the library is something somebody who attended to many drunken pizza club meetings would say.
6. Join whatever club you have time for
This seems like a good way to meet friends and get resume builders but then you accidentally join a few radical black power clubs and all of a sudden you are on the FBI's most wanted list and have to flee to Michigan and change your name.
7. Write for the school paper or literature magazine
Maybe you should start a comic strip for the school paper…or maybe I should give you everything I have just so that you can break my heart! Those weren't just seals, they were my soul, and you rejected my soul and instead chose a soul that can't comedy its way out of a brown paper comedy bag.
8. Make yourself floss every day
There is no need to floss. Has anybody ever pointed out that they noticed somebody didn't floss? No, never. Flossing isn't like taking a shower or pooping, you do not have to do it everyday.
9. Take one free course offered (karate, tennis, ect) at the school gym or recreation center
I don't know what college you went to lady, but my college didn't offer free courses. Not only did you have to pay for your gym courses, but at least one gym class was required to graduate. I took racquet ball. It was rad.
10. If grandparents are looking for a way to help you out, ask for rolls of quarters
They are necessity for doing laundry
I always ask for steaks and blowjobs. Then we all have a laugh because my grandma has no idea what a blowjob is but is too proud to admit it.
11. Never take the elevators on campus
Stairs are the best!
Not if you are in a wheelchair!
Also I don't know if it's a sign that I went to a shitty college or what but there was only like one building on campus besides the dorms that was more then two stories tall and the dorms didn't have elevators.
12. Bring lots of pictures from home for your room
When I went to college I brought all my pictures of John Stamos with me. My roommate moved out immediately after I finished hanging them all on the ceiling above my bed. I suggest you do this since having a private room is sweetness.
13. Take many pairs of underwear with you
Can't argue with this one. I own 365 pairs of underwear so I only need to do the laundry once a year.
14. Bring a laundry bag
How else are you going to carry laundry around you silly goose? A laundry basket? That's crazy talk sista!
15. Begin budgeting yourself the minute you arrive
Well not literally the minute you arrive. You can go ahead and unpack first.
16. Don't miss on-campus meals
A lot of people I went to college with complained about the meals in the caff because they were gross. You would think that the thousands of dollars we paid for meal plans could mean they could not serve off brand Spaghetti-Os and fake eggs every Saturday but apparently not. If it wasn't for the one time that London Broil was randomly served for no apparent reason I think I would have set the place on fire.
As an aside I was the only person who referred to the cafeteria as "the caff" because other people, instead of watching Degrassi, went out on the weekends and had friends.
17. In the cafeteria take extra fruit for later
Avoid the vending machines
Most college caffs that I know of don't let you take food out of them. Of course people do take food out of them because they like to snack and can't afford to snack because meal plans cost thousands of dollars. One time I saw a guy steal a bunch of trays and bowls. He just kept stuffing them in his backpack making no effort to hide his thievery. He was also black. Way to dispel the stereotype that black people steal.
18. Never walk alone at night
I did this all the time. Maybe it's different for girls but I enjoyed my midnight strolls through dark areas of campus while wearing all black and carrying rolls of ducktape.
19. Remember frat guys + beer= TROUBLE
I agree. I only met two people who were in a fraternity and they were both dillweeds. I had a lot more fun hanging out with the Campus Catholic Ministry because we played foosball a lot.
20. Don't get a reputation; they're easy to gain and hard to lose.
I can vouch for this. Pee your pants at one scary movie and all of a sudden you're "The dude who peed his while watching Halloween Town"
21. Go to the "take back the night" rally
I have no idea what this is. Must be some sort of vampire thing.
22. Study at coffee shops with funky names that play interesting music
Or better yet study someplace where you won't be annoyed by lit majors. Hey everybody who is in the English department lets all go to the coffee shop and talk about old books. Only half of us will actually buy anything and we'll all repeat what our professors told us because we don't have our own opinions. Let's not invite Johnny though because he is taking technical writing classes and apparently taking classes that are applicable to the real world is lame. Let's also complain about how the only book he ever talks about is Watership Down, even though Watership Down is the most bad ass book ever. Fuckers.
23. Only pack clothes you've worn in the past six months
This doesn't apply to me because I live in the land of freezing winters and blazing hot summers. Nine months of the year it's below zero and then in summer its a hundred degrees out. I might not wear shorts for six months at a time but when short season does come you better wear shorts or risk heat stroke.
24. Buy a used bike with an unbreakable lock
Graduating seniors always sell bikes-check the bulletin boards
I don't really think any lock in unbreakable, unless it's made out of a combination of titanium and kryptonite. My old roommate would just take the seat off his bike so that it could only be stolen by people who don't mind having a pipe up their rear.
25. Save the boxes you shipped your stuff to school in
Boxes are great if you want to build a fort. Otherwise they clutter up your tiny dorm room.
26. Don't buy notebooks in the university bookstore($$$)
Notebooks cost pretty much the same everywhere. Even with the college bookstore jack up of 200% the notebook is still only a dollar.
27. Always lock your dorm room
Your next-door neighbor could be a recovering klepto
I always locked my dorm because I didn't want any of my wacky neighbors popping in unexpectedly to eat out of my fridge and involve me in his hilarious shenanigans. Sure the shenanigans were fun but I had essays to write.
28. Have a durable backpack with your name on it
You don't need your name on your backpack. That would be the really nerdy thing to do. You better put your name in you underwear though so that they can be returned after being stolen from the dryer.
29. Buy a school sweatshirt
You'll wear it the rest of your life
With how much college costs these days you won't be able to afford a new sweatshirt for the rest of your life BAZING!
30. Read a novel every month
It can be short and trashy-just read for pleasure
I like reading but it's hard to read in college when you have four classes where the professor thinks that it's a good idea to read a book a week. My major is in history and my minor is in writing with a specialty in technical writing. For some reason the technical writing specialty required me to take two technical writing classes and five thousand literature classes. Between history and literature classes I had to read approximately forty books a week. On the upside at least all the literature classes required me to read The Theban Plays so that was one less book I had to buy. Hey did you know that Oedipus fucked his mom? I do because I read that fucking play every single semester.
Oh and House on Mango Street sucks cock. You might want to take note of that English Professors.
31. Hold office in the student government, a sorority, or a club
You're going to need as many resume fillers as possible once you hit the real world. I actually put that I know karate on a resume once. I did not get the job because my potential employer was not Dwight Shrute.
32. Have friends of many different races, persuasions and religion
That's like anti racism, which is still kind of like racism although not as bad. You should like a person because of who they are, not because you need to fill your quota on people who are a member of the Nation of Islam.
33. Talk talk talk in class
Many classes need the female viewpoint
Maybe if its "Get me a sandwich 101"!!!
Man, I am totally witty.
34. Tutor challenged kids after school
I prefer to challenge tutored kids. Usually to a test of strength or footrace. If they beat me I they are rewarded with a prize but if they lose then they lose what they hold most dear.
35. Help with the school recycling program
Or start one
Okay Al Gore. More like Al Bore! More like Al Borland! Actually Al Borland was pretty awesome. I bet he would have been able to beat Bush in the 2000 election."You're stopping the recount? I don't think so Florida Supreme Court."
His running mate could be Wilson.
36. Write all assignments down
If not, you'll always forget one
I spent most of my college career not writing down my assignments. I also did very poorly. You should listen to this tip.
37. Read what is assigned
It helps immensely at exam time
Half the professors I had couldn't remember what they told us to read and would put questions on the test about stuff we hadn't covered, so you should probably read what wasn't assigned as well.
38. Read what is assigned
Even if the professor doesn't call on students
This is just like the last tip. You're just padding the list out to 100 lady. I see though your charade.
39. Read ahead
I prefer to read aleg.
40. Get a date book and record all long term assignments on syllabus day
I had a date book because I thought it would help me get dates. It did not work.
41. Schedule your classes in the morning or all in the afternoon
That doesn't work because then all your classes will be at the same time.
42. Don't start the weekend on Thursday
But Thursday is "Thirsty Thursday" at the scummy bar all the date rapers go to.
43. Don't go out on any weeknight when you have a class before 9:30 the next morning
Alternatively you can just show up to class hung over and reeking of cheap booze like most college students and some professors.
44. Don't discourage your feelings of homesickness
They pass
Only if you call mom or look at a chick though. Otherwise right in the middle of an important fight you'll start thinking about pie and forget to hit the enemy with your bat.
45. Write-don't call-friends from home
A return letter is so much better then a phone call
No, a phone call is better because you can exchange more information quicker and you don't have to walk to the post office to buy stamps.
46. Listen to a college radio station
It's a great way to hear music that's played nowhere else
My college radio station had all of Space Hog's albums, so I guess this is true. Not that they ever played Space Hog but they could if they felt like it.
47. Read the school paper cover to cover
Fuck the school newspaper and their refusal to include my comics or my rambling letters to the editors complaining about how they wouldn't include my comics.
48. Read at least the front-page stories of a newspaper every day
There are papers from all over the country in the library.
My school actually gave away free newspapers. They had stands set up all over the place where you could get the papers too so it was really easy. I never read the free newspapers though because reading is for chumps.
49. Don't cheat yourself by using Cliff's Notes
You'll wish you had read the whole book later
Cliff notes are too long for me so I use this
50. Bring many towels
They're useful for cleaning up puke. Also whoever you share a bathroom with will steal most of your towels.
51. Put your name in your socks
If somebody really wants my old dirty socks so bad that they are going to steal them then they can just have them. I'll go buy another package for three dollars at Wal-Mart.
52. Get stamps (a huge supply) before you leave home
Or use a telephone instead of writing letters to all your friends like some sort of crazy letter writing loving person.
53. Write to your grandparents every two weeks
I sent my grandparents a letter every week. It was the same letter every weak but due to dementia they never noticed.
54. Take a baby-sitting jobs when possible
A family is great to know while away at school
I've done some babysitting and I can confirm that it is awesome. This is mostly because I like Disney movies, but am too proud to buy Disney movies myself. Watching movies with the kids also keeps down the amount of interacting I have to do with them.
55. Keep a jar of peanut butter stashed away for emergencies
What the hell kind of emergency can be handled only with peanut butter? At least keep some crackers and a flashlight stowed away too.
If I wrote this a few years ago I could also make some dandy jokes about duct tape but I try to at least be a little fresh with my material.
56. Always have a dictionary and thesaurus handy
Always keep a Scrabble dictionary handy.
"Qat is too a word jerkwad!"
57. Heartily greet and thank the cafeteria workers
They'll remember you and slip you extras
Nothing more dignified then flirting your way to extra meat loaf.
58. Be happy with who you are
It shows
This is clearly a filler tip to pad out the book.
59. Make a friend you can hug
I tried this. I can't come within 50 feet of my friend anymore.
60. Don't be afraid to cry
Sometimes it helps
Cry baby cry, make your mother sigh. Old enough to know better cry baby cry.
61. After two years at school visit the Career Counseling Office
You still won't have any idea of what you want to do when you graduate, but you will be able to confirm that the Career Counseling Office workers are not helpful in any way.
62. Make sure your adviser gets to know what you need
If there's a problem, get a new one
In my experience finding an advisor who knows what you need is like finding an advisor who cares about what you might need.
63. Know that registration for classes is HELL
This is why I never bothered to register for classes until the day before classes begin. It was much easier without the rush and I didn't have to rack my brain deciding what to take. I just took the only four classes available.
64. Never forge your advisor's signature on registration documents
The registrar always knows
My registrar couldn't even mail me the class audit I needed before my last semester so that I knew exactly what I needed in order to graduate. When I say that I mean they not only couldn't figure out what credits I needed to graduate but they were unable to actually mail the incorrect information to me. I ended up having to go to the registrar office and pester them because I wanted to know what classes I needed to take my last semester and everybody else had received that information a month ago. As it turns out my packet that was suppose to be mailed out had been put next to the out going mail basket instead of inside the basket and nobody over the course of the next month thought that maybe the package with the address written on it sitting next to the outgoing mail basket might have suppose to be mailed.
So what I am saying is that you could probably get away with forging the signature. Everybody at the registrar's office is too incompetent or drunk to care.
65. Learn to use Lotus, Excel, Microsoft Works and Word, WordPerfect and PageMaker while they are easily accessible.
This is no longer applicable because most of those programs are now obsolete. All computer programs you learn in college will be obsolete by the time you graduate.
Really it's better to not know anything about computers or pretend to not know anything about computers. That way you can tell your professors you emailed them the work and don't have any idea why they didn't get it, buying you time to actually finish whatever project you didn't finish because you got drunk instead.
66. Never turn in someone's old papers
It defeats the purpose of going to school and it could get you in big trouble
What you do is during the class period that you are turning the papers in tear the cover sheet off of somebody else's paper and quickly use a paper clip to apply your own. You just have to give the paper a generic title like "Hamlet: The Term Paper" so whatever the person you stole the paper wrote about the subject fits your title.
If you don't actually want to steal a term paper but need extra time then just turn in a cover sheet and later when the professor goes to read your paper will assume the rest got lost somehow when he was transporting them. Congratulations you bought yourself some time.
67. Always brush your teeth before bed
I hope you did this in high school as well. If you didn't then that's just gross.
68. Learn to fall asleep with the lights on
Or learn to tell you asshole roommate to turn off the damn light! Really man, it's three in the fucking morning. Come on!
69. Learn to negotiate and work out conflicts with roommates
I find a weapon helps negotiations.
70. Always be protected
This goes along with the last one
71. With a roommate, remember your mess is shared with another
So is your stash, so light them if you got them boys.
72. Work out a bathroom-cleaning schedule
I suggest you just learn to have a higher tolerance for filth then whoever you share the bathroom with. Then they always have to clean it.
73. Don't borrow anything without asking
This goes double for girlfriends.
74. Return what you borrow in the same condition
This is hard with girlfriends.
75. Go to a park on Sunday mornings
Or alternatively wake up in a park on a Sunday morning, nude and not sure how you got there. That's what I did every week. You could also go to church if you are some sort of Jesus loving wiener.
76. Write as few checks as possible
An ATM card will work till you have to pay rent and bills
You can also pay bills in cash, which is what I did at the first place I rented. It was a good idea because I had to walk back from the ATM with hundreds of dollars in my pocket and I had no paper trail to prove I actually paid my rent if my landlord tried to claim I hadn't.
77. Don't withdraw more cash then you can afford to spend
You really would have no reason to withdraw more cash then you could spend in the first place. If you did then you are kind of an idiot.
78. Learn to balance a check book
The more accurate you are the more generous your parents will be
My checkbook has never once been properly balanced. I'm amazed I've avoided the Check Book Police for this long. I blame this on my inability to do simple math and complete ignorance of how to balance a checkbook.
79. DON'T BOUNCE CHECKS
Unless you are using a check book you stole from one of the rooms belonging to a person who doesn't lock their door.
80. Smile at everyone on campus
People usually smile back
They will think you are a mental patient who wandered away from the psychology department's experiment and call public safety to retrieve you.
81. Don't apply for credit cards until your junior year
I once applied for a credit card because it came with a free pizza. Not even a good pizza mind you, Little Caesars
82. Never ever leave your wash unattended
I do this all the time. In fact I still do this, although I live in an apartment in the back of the Laundromat and I consider the Laundromat my guest bedroom. People complained that the bed took up too much room, but after I put my spare TV and Dreamcast in there everyone has been cool with it.
83. Be prepared to change your major twenty-seven times
I never changed my major. I went for a record nine semesters without declaring a major. They just left that part of my diploma blank and told me to fill it in later. I decided to major in boobs. I have a minor in my pants, OH YEAH!
84. Find a friend with a car
But don't abuse the favor
I had a car but I still made my friends with cars drive me around. I also never gave them gas money and wouldn't crack the window after farting.
85. Never sleep at a frat house
I totally agree. They are way too loud, you will never get a good rest. Plus all the date rape, it's just a hassle.
86. Don't ever think about sleeping at a frat house
Frat houses are also not very clean. Then there's the peep hole in the shower, and the conventional rape. Sleeping at the frat house is just a pain in the butt.
87. Never be afraid to ask questions
Nobody knows anything till they're seniors
Nobody knows anything until they are a senior citizen, and by that time dementia has prevented them from sharing that knowledge.
88. Sit in the front of the classroom
That way you can distract everybody behind you as you play Snood on your laptop.
89. If offered any type of on-campus job take it
The hours are good, and the work holidays are usually the same as the university's holidays
I could never get an on campus job because my family was too rich and the jobs all went to poor black people. I could never get an off campus job due to my poor hygiene and constant pants wetting during interviews.
90. Always go to the health service and get a doctor's excuse for missed classes
Even when faking
Nobody cares if you skipped class. Just send an email saying you had car problems. The professor isn't going to check into it and you can get back to drinking at 4 in the afternoon.
91. Save money to buy a computer
Many places offer student rates
My college gave out free laptops to students. My parents like to point out that it wasn't free because the costs were part of the tuition. I like to point out that I didn't pay tuition so it was free to me. Then I usually flip them off. Then my father chases me, but I get away because I'm better at climbing fences than he is.
92. Volunteer with Habitat for Humanity
I volunteer for Habitat for Hugemanity and build houses for giants. Of course the giants usually pay us back by enslaving our village and eating our virgins, which is lame, but it still counts towards my community service.
93. If invited to dinner at a local student's home, never refuse
Home cooking and a family atmosphere are a great cure for homesickness
Forget homesickness. Free food is free food. Make sure to ask for leftovers. You can make leftovers from one meal last an entire week with the proper planning.
94. Write thank you notes for everything
By the time I get around to writing thank you notes for stuff the person I received the gift from doesn't even remember who I am. Of course that's usually an after effect of the amnesia dust, not because I take a long time to write thank you notes. When it comes to thank you notes I am very prompt.
95. Wait awhile to move off campus
There's no rush…you'll have the rest of your life to worry about bills
If you steal the janitor's keys you can live in the basement of the dorms long after you graduate.
96. Don't worry about having a serious boyfriend your freshmen year
Just play the field so to speak. Guys like girls who will jerk them off and not care about a commitment.
97. Know that high school, long distance relationships rarely last through the second semester freshmen year
High school relationships rarely last for more then a semester in high school
98. Try to meet as many people on your dorm floor as possible
Good luck trying to meet that one dude who plays Everquest all day and never leaves his room. You have to catch him when he goes to class, and he only goes to class about twice a week.
99. Remember that people should see others only as they are not only as hey look
Leave the pettiness and cattiness of High School at home
I don't understand why people are so petty and catty in high school. It doesn't matter is you are rich, poor, ugly, handsome, a prep, jock, emo kid, science geek or anything else. We can all agree that underage drinking rocks and we should all be happy to drink together.
Unless you're a Goth. Goths suck.
100. Allow yourself to grow, change, hurt, love, ache, party, learn, and search in order to become the person you are meant to be
That's not a tip. It's a fortune cookie on steroids.
101. WRITE TO YOUR SISTER
Again the obsession with writing. Phone calls are just plain easier.