New Names for WNBA Teams

Billie Green - 11/10/08

I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Detroit Shock won the WNBA championship this year. I was surprised because I did not know that the WNBA was still in existence. Does anyone pay attention to the WNBA? No, no one does who doesn't own every Indigo Girls CD. For real. I only own two Indigo Girls albums and iTunes now thinks I'm a lesbian. When I say I don't pay attention to the WNBA, I should also mention that I don't pay much attention to the NBA either. I only watch an NBA game if it's on TNT, and that's only for the halftime report because TNT has Charles Barkley and that guy is kind of insane. I remember one halftime show where Barkley wasn't even in the studio. The other two guys told us that he was in the green room watching a boxing match. When they came back from commercial Charles was back and he couldn't tell anyone how the match ended. The others guys asked Charles what was he doing back there. Charles stumbled for a few seconds and then produced a smoke bomb, allowing him to escape.

The problem with the WNBA is that their team names are unbelievably lame. Also, no one cares when women play sports. But let's concentrate on the team names right now. Some of them are feminine versions of their NBA counterparts, which makes them not at all cool sounding, while others appear to have just been pulled randomly out of hat full of stupid team names.

In an effort to make the WNBA slightly interesting, I have taken it upon myself to critique each team's name and suggest a new one to adopt that is 100% cooler.

Team	Manly Equivalent
Atlanta Dream How lame is it to name your team the Dream? You're not even trying with a name like that. This is why no one takes the WNBA seriously.	Atlanta Hawks
New Team: Atlanta Cream Dream These ladies will be so hot they will be a cream dream.
Team	Manly Equivalent
Charlotte Sting Oh, watch out, here comes a bee! It's going to sting you! Ouch, that hurt just a little. I guess I'll have to put some calamine lotion on that. In addition to being stupid, it's also a pretty outdated mascot. The NBA team in Charlotte used to be called the Hornets, but they moved to New Orleans a few years ago. Not that any of this matters because I just found out that this team folded in 2006. Fuck you, basketball, you are not welcome in Charlotte. Charlotte is a ping-pong city, proud and true.	Charlotte Bobcats
New Team: The Charlotte Where the Hell is Charlotte Anyways Is it in North or South Carolina? For all I know it's in Iowa.
Team	Manly Equivalent
Chicago Sky Oh, the Sky! That's so intimidating! Better not mess with them, or it will be partly cloudy! Maybe they'll even send down some rain! Oh my, how will you withstand their assault when you are all wet? Seriously, what the fuck kind of team name is that? I guess since they have the Sears Tower in their logo it's a play on Chicago's impressive skyline, but I've been to the top of the Sears Tower, it's not that great a view. They mention that you can see to Indiana from that height, but there is nothing interesting to see in Indiana, so the view is a bit of a wash.	Chicago Bulls
New Team: Chicago Bull Dykes This is a sweet name for Chicago's WNBA team. It's a good take on their NBA counterpart. Also, bull dykes are good example of something that is very ferocious and intimidating but also female. They could change their logo to a fat lesbian on a motorbike--wielding a chainsaw. Kickass.
Team	Manly Equivalent
Connecticut Sun This is only a little better than the Sky. The sun can give you a sunburn and even skin cancer if you are not careful. But it doesn't make sense for a team from Connecticut to name themselves this. It isn't warm in that state all year round and I'm sure they have a lot of cloudy days. If you are from the southwest, by all means, the Sun is an appropriate name, but it doesn't work if you are in New England. Besides, the Phoenix Suns in the NBA already use that name. Maybe the team wants to make people believe that Connecticut would be a good place to vacation to, but no one will ever believe that. At least given Connecticut's location they could use a colonial theme, but think back to your grade school history class when you learned about colonial and Revolutionary era America. Did you remember anything of note happening in Connecticut back then? No. Even back then that state was boring and pointless. This is just a waste.	NONE
New Team: The Connecticunts It's a pun combining the state's name and a term for a lady's lady parts. In fact, I think this should be the term for all people from Connecticut. I don't know what they call people from Connecticut rightly now but it can't be any better than calling them all cunts.
Team	Manly Equivalent
Detroit Shock I think this is the team I am supposed to be a fan of. I would if I paid attention to sports to begin with. But Shock is a stupid name. Maybe they named the team after the shocks in cars, to keep with the Pistons auto themed name. If you are going that route, I would have preferred either calling themselves the Serpentine belts or the Water Pumps.	Detroit Pistons
New Team: Detroit Crime Rate When it comes to major American cities, none have a more frightening crime rate than Detroit.
Team	Manly Equivalent
Indiana Fever I don't even know what the hell a Pacer is. I know what a fever is, but come on, with medical improvements these days, who outside of Africa dies from fevers anymore? Watch out, Indian Fever, the Anaheim Antibiotics are going to whoop your lame ass.	Indian Pacers
New Team: Indiana PMS Truly intimidating.
Team	Manly Equivalent
New York Liberty The Statute of Liberty is a woman, but it isn't supposed to be scary, it's supposed to be warm and inviting. What's with the statue scowling? Is she like "Fuck you immigrants?" This might work for the symbol of the anti-immigration movement, but looks bad for a sports team.	New York Knicks
New Team: New York Terrorist Targets This way they can keep their logo the same.
Team	Manly Equivalent
Washington Mystics I guess this might be popular with women since they enjoy reading horoscopes and calling psychics, however it is clearly not popular with basketball fans.	Washington Wizards
New Team: Washington Wallabies Wallabies are cool.
Team	Manly Equivalent
Minnesota Lynx Here's another WNBA team which has chosen a mascot which mirrors its NBA counterpart. Except one is a canine and one is a feline. So it mirrors very poorly.	Minnesota Timberwolves
New Team: Minnesota Bridges Minnesota bridges are very dangerous. They collapse when you least expect it. Don't try to cross the Mississippi River over one of those.
Team	Manly Equivalent
Seattle Storm Oh shit, a storm. I guess we can't go outside to play basketball today, it's going to rain and possibly thunder. God damn it Seattle storm, way to not encourage people to support basketball. Maybe this a take on the weather in Seattle, from Fraser and various VH-1 shows about grunge music, I am led top believe it is very rainy over there. Originally, they probably wanted to name their team something similar to the SuperSonics, but nobody knows what the hell a SuperSonic is.	Seattle SuperSonics
New Team: Seattle Sasquatch Holy fuck, that is such an awesome name I am surprised other Seattle based teams haven't claimed it first.
Team	Manly Equivalent
Houston Comets The team wanted to stay with the space theme set by the Rockets. Houston is home to Space Command USA. Too bad comets are lame. Hey, maybe you'll be named after some loser who spends 24 hours a day looking at the sky through a telescope. Comets suck.	Houston Rockets
New Team: Houston Faulty Shuttles Those things explode all the time, and they do it over Texas too.
Team	Manly Equivalent
San Antonio Silver Stars Not only is this team name not intimidating, but it also implies the team is always second best. Whenever I got a A+ on my spelling test, I got a gold star.	San Antonio Spurs
New Team: San Antonio Gold Stars If you want to win, you got to GO FOR THE GOLD!
Team	Manly Equivalent
Los Angeles Sparks Beyond lame.	NONE
New Team: Los Angeles Roving Lesbian Gangs I saw an episode of The O'Reilly Factor years back where Bill O'Reilly altered us to the threat of roving lesbian gangs. I forgot what the gangs were up to, either they were attacking straight men or forcing straight women to become lesbians. One is scary, the other is hot. Am I right, fellas? Woot-woot!
Team	Manly Equivalent
Phoenix Mercury Since those fucktards in Hartford took the name Suns, the people in Phoenix opened up third grade science textbook and choose the planet closest to the Sun. They wanted to stay with a hot temperature theme, but if they would have looked at a fourth grade science book, they would have learned that Venus is actually the hottest planet in the Solar System. Also, Venus has female symbolism, so it makes more sense that Mercury, which doesn't make any sense.	Phoenix Suns
New Team: Phoenix Foxy Ladies I don't care if you think that is sexist. If you had a problem with sexism, I doubt you would be reading this site. Foxy Ladies will be an awesome name. They could come out to the court with the Jimi Hendrix song blaring around the arena. I don't think I need to come up with another reason to justify this name.
Team	Manly Equivalent
Sacramento Monarchs I don't know why they didn't go with Queens instead of Monarchs. Their logo kind of looks like a butterfly, I guess, but it would be impossible to play basketball in a dress like that. I mean, come on people.	Sacramento Kings
New Team: Sacramento Sarsaparillas I don't know what sarsaparillas is, but it sounds awesome. Case closed. I'm tired of doing this.