My Dark Tower Fan Fiction
Chapter 1: The Beginning of the Story
One day Roland and his ka-tet where walking through the forest looking for the Dark Tower. Roland had been looking for the Dark Tower ever since he was a young man. He knew the Dark Tower was falling apart and when it did the entire universe would be destroyed.
Roland looked down at his guns. They reminded him of the time he earned his guns. He was 14 and he beat up his teacher to earn the right to be a gunslinger. It was a risky maneuver, nobody had become a gunslinger at such a young age but Roland was no ordinary person. That is why he was the last gunslinger.
"Where do you think we are going?" asked Jake. Jake was 11 years old and Roland thought of him as a son. He had killed Jake once but Jake had come back from another dimension so it was okay.
"We'll follow the path of the beam and go where ka takes us," Roland said stoically. He then lit a cigarette in a really bad ass way.
"Ka" Oy repeated. Oy was a billybumbler who always followed Jake around. A billybumbler is like a badger combined with a parrot.
"Oy is starting to sound like you Roland," Eddie said with a laugh Eddie was always making jokes. He reminded Roland of one of his old friends who like Eddie made a lot of jokes. The old friend's name was Cuthbert.
"Ka is not something to joke about," Roland said coolly.
"Settle down satchmo I'm just playing," Eddie said.
"You joke around too much honkey," Susannah said. She was black and had no legs. Eddie pushed her in a wheel chair.
"Quiet you," Roland said. He heard somebody coming. His fingers twitched near his guns. If it were an enemy he would shoot him. If it was not an enemy then no shooting would occur.
Out of the forest came a boy not much older then Jake. He had black hair, thick glasses, and a scar on his forehead shaped like a lightening bolt.
"Hile," Roland said relaxing a bit, but still ready to shoot this guy if he turned out to be what Susannah called a jive turkey.
"Thank the makers, I found somebody," the mysterious person said in a foppish British accent, "I need help."
"What kind of help," Eddie asked.
"My friends have been taken prisoner by evil wizards and I am not powerful enough to save them by myself," he looked like he was about to faint.
"You're a wizard too aren't you?" Jake asked. The stranger looked surprised but Roland was not surprised. He knew Jake had the touch, a vaguely explained psychic power that could do various things depending on what the plot needed.
"Indeed I am," the boy said, "Although I am not fully trained, I am still in wizard school."
"There ain't no grand wizards at this here school are there?" Susannah asked. The boy looked confused so she said, "Never mind."
Roland had made an enemy of a wizard in the past. A man who went by many names, Walter O' Dinn, Martin Lawrence, Maeilyn, and the most deadly name of all Randall Flag. He had a feeling that one of the wizards here may be in fact the wizard whom he had encountered many times in the past. "We shall help you free your friends," Roland said. What is your name?"
"My name?" the boy said, "My name is…Harry Potter."
Chapter 2: Bear this in Mind
"Harry Potter? That don't sound like no name from your world Roland," Susannah said.
"No it does not," Roland agreed.
"I fear that perhaps that may be my fault old chaps," Harry Potter hung his head, "For you see I cast a magic wizard's spell in order to get help to save my friends."
"So you took us off our path you bitch," Eddie shouted red with rage.
"I'm ever so sorry but I needed help. Snape and Flagg are conspiring to use a magical pink ball to do evil."
"Holy shit on a shit sandwich," Eddie yelled, "Did you hear that!"
"Indeed Eddie it would appear that they have Maerlyn's Grapefruit," Roland said.
"We have to help him Roland," Jake said, "We need to get Maerlyn's Grapefruit, plus we need to help Harry Potter's friends."
"Iends," Oy agreed.
"Then let us go," Roland pointed in the air, "and save Harry Potter's friends!
On the way to the castle Jake had a question which he asked, "Roland, it seems odd that Harry Potter could pull us to this world, it seems like it would be very difficult. We didn't even hear the todash chimes."
"I am surprised indeed by this turn of events," Harry Potter piped in, "I expected aid to come in the form of summoning a Hippogriff or a herd of Nicklepedes."
"I believe this is an event known as Ka-mala where ka aids somebody into doing things they normally could not do because it is impossible for them to do that," Roland replied.
"So that's why this white boy was able to make us go off the course of the beam," Susannah added.
"Yes," Roland said bluntly. He did not like to mince words. Roland preferred to mince bullets, and guns, with the heads of his enemies, like those whom he would find in the castle. Roland had to wonder if Maerlyn's Grapefruit could really be up to its old mischief again.
Soon they were on top of a hill and could see the castle below them. "I imagine we shalt encounter many an adventure within thy walls," Harry Potter said whimsically.
"Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A gunslinger craves not these things," Eddie said to himself.
"What you talkin about Eddie," Susannah asked
"Nothing," Eddie replied.
"You should cut out the chatter then," Roland said, "We are getting close and we need to look out for an ambush."
"I don't need you talking to me like I'm some eleven year old brat," Eddie then turned to Jake, "No offense."
"None taken," Jake said.
"Aken," Oy also said.
"You never take anything seriously Eddie. There are dangerous people and objects in that castle and you are not taking this situation seriously," Roland said.
"You need to stop riding my ass old man," Eddie shook his finger at Roland.
"Drop it Eddie," Susannah said from her wheel chair.
"No, I'm tired of Roland not treating me like an adult. I'm out of here man," Eddie stormed off into the forest in an angry fashion.
"Oh dear, it appears your friend has gone off in a tizzy," Harry Potter said daintily.
"I'm going after him," Susannah wheeled off after Eddie into the underbrush.
"This isn't good Roland, Eddie and Susannah are gone," Jake said.
"Eddie will come back once he has some sense smacked into him by his woman," Roland sat down and pulled out a cigarette. It was an unfortunate time for Eddie to get sand in his vagina but hopefully Susannah would smooth things over and they could move on.
"Eddie you're acting like some cracker fool," Susannah said when she caught up to Eddie. An amazing feat when you consider she is wheelchair bound and in a forest, so she cannot go very quickly.
"What am I suppose to do Suze?" Eddie sat on a log, "Just let Mr. Cowboy jerk face treat me like I'm his retarded cousin that needs to be babysat during my hour out of the basement? I'm a man and I need to be treated like one."
"If you want to be a man then stop acting like some pussy then," Susannah grabbed Eddie by the collar and shook him.
"Hey, stop that woman," Eddie said tearing away from her grip, "What's the deal mamacita!"
"We've got to get back to save Harry Potter's friends that's the deal. We don't have time for this."
Eddie thought about what Susannah had said. His problem was not with Roland it stemmed from insecurities he still had from his older brother Henry who was always berating Eddie and keeping him down. Eddie realized that his aggression to Roland was because of Henry not because of Roland.
"You're right Suze," Eddie kissed her, "Let's go back to the others."
Just then a shadow covered the two of them.
"Roland something is happening," Jake said. The touch that he had was warning him of danger.
"What is it Jake," Roland asked.
"Eddie and Susannah are in trouble," Jake gasped.
"Ouble," Oy added.
"Dear me, this is ever so bad," Harry Potter cried out.
Roland was off in a flash towards where Eddie and Susannah had gone. The others followed him. Roland easily followed the path Eddie and Susannah had taken because he is such a good tracker. Soon he got to where he was going.
A giant half man half bear creature was holding Eddie and shaking him. Susannah had been knocked to the ground out of her chair. The creature had brown fur and was 20 feet tall. It smelled like onions and cabbage.
"A dreaded Glumbumble," Harry Potter cried out.
Roland drew his gun and fired. The bullets bounced off the creature.
"That ain't going to work buddy," Eddie said, "I already tried." The creature then threw Eddie against a tree really really hard.
"I shalt take care of this beast," Harry Potter pulled out his magical wand, "Monsterious Explodious," Harry Potter nearly sang. The Glumbumble was engulfed in blue flames and ran screaming into the woods where it died.
"Great job Harry Potter," Jake said.
"That was some fine magic slinging," Roland said in a rare joke.
Harry Potter smiled sheepishly, "I only did what I had to do," if one looked at the front of Harry Potter's pants they would see the faint outline of an erection.
"There is a process known as Ka-lei where a person temporarily joins a Ka-tet," Roland said to Harry Potter, "I believe you have proven to be part of our Ke-tet today."
"Ka-lie, that sounds great," Eddie added as he got up. Everybody had to agree.
Chapter 3: The Answer
With everybody reunited it was time to go to the castle.
"We are going to chew bubble gum and kick ass and I am all out of bubble gum," Eddie said.
"Cracka that right," Sushannah said.
Roland didn't reply. He assumed Eddie was making more references to things he didn't understand.
"How do we get in," Jake asked when they got to the door. It was made out of wood and very large.
"Can you use your magic to open the door?" Roland asked.
"Yes but Snape and Flagg may feel my presence then," Harry Potter was shaking.
"Do it anyways. If they hold the pink ball then they know we are here anyways," Roland said.
"Oh my," Harry Potter whimpered but he did the magical spell and opened the door despite his fears.
Inside the castle was a huge wall. Tables decorated the hall. On the tables were plates and fancy party decorations. Streamers decorated the walls and hung from the ceiling. A banner in the middle of the room read "Welcome Gunslinger and Friends." Before and after the writing was a red eye, the mark of the Crimson King.
"I've got a bad feeling about this," Eddie said.
On a side table were two large cakes. Roland remembered a lesson he learned from his teacher Cort long ago before the fall of Gilead. Cort, naked from the waist up stood before the apprentice Gunslingers in the training yard. Sweat came down from his biceps as he carried a large cake and set it down before them.
"Come have some cake maggots," Cort screamed like a mad man.
One young pupil, Logrey, came up and ate a piece of cake. Then he died from being poisoning.
"Never trust a strange cake," Cort said at the end of the lesson.
"You better stay away from that cake its bad news," Roland said loudly.
"Okay," Jake replied sort of confused.
"ake," Oy said wrinkling his nose.
"Did he say cake or Jake?" Harry Potter asked.
"Cake," Jake replied, "I used the touch to find out."
"Oh golly good," Harry Potter giggled, "That touch is ever so powerful; you would make fine wizard you would."
"That's enough lets stay focused," Roland thought things were getting a bit too fruity for his tastes.
Behind the festivities there was a stair case. "Let us go up thar staircase," Roland said, so they did. At the top of the staircase there was a big door made out of some sort of expensive wood (not to self look up expensive wood on the internet and make the door made out of that)
Inside the room was a decorative office. Two desks sat at the far end. There was a rug and Venetian blinds on the windows.
"Looks like the office my daddy worked in," Susannah mused.
"I thought we were here to take out some evil wizards not corporate executives, not that anybody would mind either way," Eddie inappropriately joked.
A slow clap filled the room followed by a voice, "Well well well, you got past all of our deviant traps," the chairs, which had been facing away from the door, spun around to reveal Snape and Flagg had been in those chairs the entire time!" Flagg had been the one talking.
"My old nemesis," Roland grabbed his gun with lightening quickness.
"Mine as well," Harry Potter said pulling out his magical wizard's wand.
"You know that thing only misfires against me," Flagg laughed, "Go ahead give it a whirl."
Roland pulled the trigger but nothing happened. Then he had an idea. He pointed the gun at Snape and fired. Nothing happened.
"I also cast a spell of protection on Snape," Flagg explained.
"That makes sense," Jake said to Susannah. Oy echoed the thing Jake said.
"Leave this up to my mine friends," Harry Potter chirped, "For I shalt cast a spell of power that will clean the earth of thy villains."
"Stop Harry," Snape stood up all dramatic like, "I am the only one who knows where your friends are hidden. If you kill me then you can never save them."
"Curses, foiled again," Harry Potter was about to cry.
"Flag probably knows where they are," Eddie pointed out.
"Actually I don't, I purposely ignored where Snape hid them so that I could not know when you came," Flagg responded before laughing like a villain.
"He is telling the truth, I can feel it," Jake said.
"You can touch my mind, but only when I let you," Flagg smiled, his teeth are sharp as daggers, "Why don't you touch this," Flagg squinted his eyes hard.
"Are you sending me a mental image of my mother on the toilette?" Jake asked confused.
"Yes," Flagg was surprised at how well Jake was taking it.
"Why?"
"Well its suppose to be disturbing and stuff and throw you off your game."
"I'm not going to argue that its strange but its not like I'm going to start crying or something, I know that she poops."
"Look out!" Snape yelled. Roland had snuck around the side of you room during the odd conversation. He got behind Flagg and pistol whipped him in the back of the head.
"Take that bitch!" Roland grunted. Flagg fell like a bag of bones.
"Hurray we have stopped that scoundrel," Harry Potter cheered.
"Too bad that move was in vain," Snape sneered, "For if you harm me then you will never find out where your friends are Harry Potter."
"Jake, it is time," Roland said, "Use the touch to look into Snape's mind and find out where Harry Potter's friends are."
"Can the touch do that?" Eddie questioned.
"It can do whatever is needed to continue the story," Roland said.
"No don't touch my mind," Snape cried. It seemed strange, Roland was suspicious.
"I got it," Jake said, "They are hidden in the cake downstairs.
"Lets go," Harry Potter pranced out of the room intent on saving his friends.
Roland again remembered the words of his teacher. Never trust a strange cake. That cake certainly was strange, especially if two young adults were hidden in them. Could it be, a trap?
"We must stop Harry Potter those cakes may not be what they seem," Roland sprinted out of the room after Harry Potter. Jake, Eddie, and Susannah remained in the room because Snape was still there.
"Now that the most powerful heroes are gone I can win," Snape hollered.
"No way fruit cup," Eddie pulled his gun and fired. The gun misfired, "I was hoping that protection spell wouldn't work with old blue eyes over there taking a nap."
"Or am I taking a nap," Flagg got up, "Or am I fooling you all?"
Chapter 4: The End of a Saga
Downstairs Harry Potter was about to tear into the cakes to find his friends.
"Stop, the cake is a lie," Roland said before pushing Harry Potter to the ground.
"How can you know, I need to check," Harry Potter said tear streaming down his face.
"Fine then I shall check, with my gun," Lightening quick Roland pulled out his gun and fired ten times in each cake. Out of the cakes rolled two bugbears.
"It was a trick!" Harry Potter said with a gasp.
"In order to find your real friends we need to get back up there and kill those bastards," Roland demanded pounding his fist in furry.
Back up the stairs Roland and Harry Potter ran. They entered the room to find Eddie Susannah Jake, Oy to be missing.
"Where are my Ka-tet?" Roland asked with passion.
"They are hidden away, with Harry Potter's friends," Flagg said smiling, "We will give them back but only if you best each one of use in a duel.
"Guns?" Roland asked
"Magic," Harry Potter also asked at the same time.
"Yes," Snape and Flagg replied at the same time.
The first duel was a magicians magic duel between Snape and Harry Potter. Both competitors stood on opposite sides of a stage ready to go.
"What are the rules?" Harry Potter asked.
"No holds barred," Snape sneered.
"Then it shall be so," Harry Potter said.
Snape started the battle with ruthless cunning by shooting a magic lightening bolt to Harry Potter's head. This was deflected because lightening cannot hurt Harry Potter. A grave mistake. Harry Potter took advantage of all he had learned from Dumbledore before his death and responded with many magical spells one right after another. They just kept coming and coming. Snape deflected many of them but was put on the defensive. He tried to shoot a fireball at Harry Potter but Harry Potter put up a wall of ice which melted when hit by the fireball.
"Give it up Harry Potter," I have you where I want you.
"Never," Harry Potter began another barrage of spells. Snape deflected most but a few hit home. Then Roland realized what was happening.
"Be careful Harry Potter, he is waiting until you run out of energy and cannot deflect his magic any more. Then the real attack comes.
"Oh dear," Harry Potter realized this was what was happening. He stopped with the magic.
"You cannot defeat me without casting offensive magic," Snape said.
"I have a chance for one more spell here it goes," Harry Potter cast a spell that Snape easily deflected.
"You are now defenses," Snape cast a spell that would instantly kill Harry Potter.
"Or am I?" Harry stopped the spell and shot it back at Snape. He had lied, he had more then enough magic left to do that. Snape had fallen victim to his own hubris.
"Hurray I won, that I did," Harry Potter leaped off the stage into Roland's strong arms.
"Good job my boy," Roland said in a rare sign of emotion.
"You two can make out later," Flagg sounded a little worried, "For now we must duel Roland.
At dawn Roland and Flagg stood outside the castle in a field. Each one held a single revolver, loaded up and ready to go. The rules were simple on the count of three they would both fire. The one who got shot would be the loser.
When the three count came Roland drew like the wind. Shots rang out one after another like thunder. The shots were true but Flagg was unharmed.
"Cheater," Roland gasped.
"Did you expect anything else," Flagg said with a laugh.
"Well guess what," Roland was all smug, "I'm a cheater too." Harry Potter then jumped out from behind a bush and shot Flagg in the back, killing him instantly.
"Oh, I'll get you Roland," Flagg said as he began to disappear into another world, "I'll get yoooooooouuuuuuuuuuu!"
Chapter 5 The Epilogue
"I am sad you have to go," Jake said to Harry Potter.
"Indeed tis a sad day for me as well, but I must return to Hogwarts with Hermoinine and Ron Weasley.
"I'm just disappointed that I sat in that dungeon all day and couldn't get on the action," Ron Weasley said, everybody laughed at his youthful exuberance.
"There's always next time," Eddie replied.
"Well we must be going then dear friends," Harry Potter hugged Roland. Then he Ron Weasley and Hermoimine walked through the portal that would bring them back to their world.
"That was something different," Eddie said mostly to himself.
Roland wasn't listening to Eddie. He was looking up. The beam was back above them. So that meant they were back on the path of the beam.
"Let's go gunslingers. Lets go to the dark tower."
"Dark Tower," Oy said. Then they began their journey again.
