The Trial of Billy Jack
[ Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 ]
So my dad called me the other day and part of the conversation went like this
Dad: When are you going to finish your Billy Jack review?
Me: I don't know, when I get around to it. That movie is really bad and hard to watch.
Dad: Well I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job or anything but finish it now or I'm going to kick your ass.
Don't get him wrong or anything. He doesn't think I'm funny or want to read the end of the review, he just wants his DVDs back.
So, here's the conclusion of The Trial of Billy Jack.
The last time we saw Billy Jack he was slapping Jesus.
Billy emerges from his Jesus slapping spirit quest with the knowledge that he must overcome his violent ways. Only by becoming a peaceful person who cannot be provoked can he conquer his shadow and reach the next level of enlighten. Fucking figures, the one person who happens to be a karate master and protector of the weak has to become a pacifist. If Billy Jack's spiritual quest had to do with delivery of justice with round house kicks then The Freedom School would be much safer and Billy Jack much happier.
A group of kids from The Freedom School meet with Billy Jack as he walks down the mountain. These particular rabble rousers are tired of being pushed around by the townsfolk and want some revenge, either by bombing the town or by kidnapping somebody. To bad for them Billy Jack is a changed man. You aren't going to provoke him no matter how many high school TV stations you blow up or how many teenagers you kill. Billy boy is cool as a cucumber and twice as crunchy. Billy Jack goes on some long irrelevant rant about people in the ghetto. I think he was trying to confuse the students into not doing anything dangerous.
In town the national guard is just sort of milling around. On the one hand its really boring, but on the other hand they get paid either way. Boring is better then bloody, that's what my grandmother use to say before her cage fights.
The Freedom School rides into town with a parade. I'm not sure why, to show that you can bomb their school but not their hearts maybe. Really, giving the short amount of time they had to put it together, it's a pretty good parade. There's several bands, belly dancers, and I assume people throwing tootsie rolls from the back of floats. That's the best part of any parade.
A banner on one of the floats says "Where is Howard Cosell?" I don't know, I wasn't even aware that he was missing.
I understand that The Freedom School wants to demonstrate that their spirit is in tact, but I think this sets a dangerous precedent. You respond to a bombing with a parade and the next thing you know your going to be getting bombed every time somebody's bored and wants some tootsie rolls.
It must have been a long parade because in the next scene it is night and the bus is stuck in some mud. A group of evil cowboys drive up with one clear message to deliver, you will not delight the children of our town with a parade. These guys are tough. There are maybe two male students there, and neither is particularly intimidating. Only the roughest of the cowboys dare tangle with a teenage girl that openly detests violence. I'm surprised this gang has even survived this long with the dangerous targets they go after. Of course a brawl is going to break out.
The cowboys flip the bus and set in on fire. A girl pleads with the ringleader to not set it on fire and he elegantly punches her in the stomach. You know, I'm starting to think these are the bad guys. Its too bad he doesn't say any clever one liners when he punches her like "Take that you teenage girl!" or maybe more appropriately "Falcon punch!"
Billy Jack shows up and slowly starts lecturing on why you shouldn't set busses on fire. You can tell by his face that the cowboy ringleader is feeling a bit sheepish now that he takes a moment to reflect. He won't admit it though, those cowboys are always full of pride.
The cowboys are all feeling pretty confident because they have a giant on their side. Billy Jack acts impressed by the giant, asking him his height and weight. They even joke around a little bit about how big the guy is. Billy Jack then goes on to explain how no matter how tall somebody is they can be taken out if they are kicked the right way in the knee. The giant doesn't believe Billy Jack because I guess he doesn't know how knees work. Anybody who does know how knees work would find this believable.
Billy Jack gets permission from both the giant and the ringleader to kick the giant in the knee. Then he kicks him in the knee, and surprise, the giant goes down. That's what you get for letting people kick you in the knee you stupid giant! Billy then takes out the rest of the cowboys with some more awesome karate kicks. One of the girls starts beating on the cowboy's Volkswagen with a rubber mallet. Billy Jack stops her, telling her that such violence only sinks her down to their level. She doesn't understand the subtle difference between kicking the cowboys in the face, which is okay, and trashing their car which is wrong. Jean then makes Billy Jack get in her jeep and they drive off. The problem with this is that everybody else got left behind. This includes all the evil cowboys and all The Freedom School students. I assume when the cowboys recovered they proceeded to beat the students to death.
Since the night's adventures in over, and are no longer a factor in the saga of Billy Jack and The Freedom School, we move on to the next story line. Well this movie doesn't really have story lines. The word line implies a straightforward journey from point A to B. Its more lie story cluster fucks. The next scene in this cluster fuck has Jean saying how she wants to speak last at the law seminar at The Freedom School, because they aren't going to let one little bombing slow down their seminars. That would be letting the terrorists win dontcha know. Also that kid with one hand is out riding a donkey. That means he is getting better. Before he would just try to hit the donkey with his little nubby arm.
The kid is improving so well that they're going to torture him by teaching how to play guitar with a hook. Guitar has to be one of the least hook friendly instruments. I think the kid would be better off with the cello, since they could just duct tape the bow to his arm. Drums are an option as well. If the guy from Def Leppard can do it I don't see why an emotionally traumatized and mentally stunted child can't. I know he is smarter then the one handed drummer, he never made the decision to join Def Leppard.
So we cut to an Indian walking in a pitch black night. Then there's a bunch of people with cars surrounding him. Then he's being dunked underwater by a guy in a wet suit. Then in the next scene a car is being pulled out of a river. Yup, those are things that have happened and apparently are related to other events in the movie. You may have noticed that the man was not in his car when he drowned. I guess those troublemakers rolled his car in the river afterwards to add insult to drowning.
The sheriff wants Jean to call of the Indian seminar that is going to be held at the school. A comment is made about Posner's friends at the CIA, so I guess the CIA killed this random Indian. The best way to stop a seminar on Indian rights is to murder an Indian. That won't motivate the rest of the Indians or anything. I guess it being the CIA explains the wet suit. CIA doesn't cut corners when it comes to drowning somebody wet suits and fresh towels all around.
Then we've got the Indian seminar. Check out that crazy Indian dancing in the background. We see parts of a few of the speeches. I don't want to trivialize the plight of the Indian, because it really is a tragic story of greed and corruption. Its just that watching people make speeches in movies is boring. I have a speech too. Here it is:
Hello fellow people. I am not an Indian, nor was my father nor his father before him. I think we're Norwegian or something. But I consider you my brother. I am of course specifically talking to my brother Spike Dangerous who is half Indian. My mother had an affair with our milk man Running Cow. We are from one mother, the great mother earth. Now is the time. I plead to you fellow Indians, stop talking and get back to Billy Jack. I would prefer it if he kicked somebody. Thank you and goodnight. End transmission.
During Jean's speech the evil Department of Human Services workers again try to take one handed abused kid away. This time he even has a court order. Carol goes all Jeff Jarret on the government agent and smashes him with a guitar. I don't know why the government is so gun ho about getting this one kid back to his awful family. Maybe he feels its sexual abuse to have a picture of Donald Duck sticking out his ass like that in the kid‘s room.
The police then arrest some old Indian. The sheriff tells the family straight up it's a frame up. This is the good sheriff who helps them out. He warns them not to do anything to get anybody in more trouble. The warrant was for accepting bribe money. Considering the Indian lives in a hut that looks like its made out of stuff a cat would cough up, I'm going to believe he didn't really do it.
That night the evil cowboys find Blue Elk, he's an Indian. I don't think I mentioned him by name yet but he's been in a few scenes. I think he's actually corrupt but who knows. You have to take notes to keep track of everything going on.
Well they tell him they are there to bring him to Posner so that they can all come up with a deal that will be beneficial to everybody.
Instead beat him up, strip him to his tighty whities and parade his bleeding beaten body in front of old people at a fancy dinner dance. This outrages, a couple of people, who display their disapproval by leaving and not helping Blue Elk. Man, even the white people who aren't evil are still jerks.
Billy Jack and Akido master what's his name show up. Remember him? He had a bit scene early in the movie. In a normal movie a character wouldn't show up, do very little, then reappear three hours later for the big fight. Tom Loughlin should have had Akido master show up periodically. He and Billy would train together, maybe share some ideas about philosophy. It would show that they are building a friendship. Then after hearing about Blue Elk being kidnapped Billy, knowing he needs back up, would go to him. Then because they are friends Akido master would agree to help Billy. This sets up the scene where Akido master gets shot, and Billy struggles with the fact that he got his friend killed. This is not a normal movie. This is a terrible movie. That means Akido master just shows up without explanation. Also the two of them wear chukes. I guess its cold out or something.
Jean is running around trying to get Billy Jack to not go on the attack. Billy says "There is a human being in there who happens to be my friend. Do you want me to just leave him lying there?" which shuts up her face.
Jean goes into the ballroom and starts asking people by name how they could enjoy watching a human be brutalized. This brings on a lot of awkwardness and shuffling of feet, the sign of awkwardness. Its like when you're six and your mom walks in on you and your best friend showing each other your wieners, right down to the half naked Indian on the floor.
The cowboy crew files into the room Billy Jack is in. I don't know why they keep insisting on fighting Billy Jack, they never win. These guys are the Washington Generals of street brawls. Jean tries to talk sense into everybody but that isn't going to work. Nobody is going to do what a girl tells them to do. Posner says he doesn't want Billy Jack to get out alive.
I think Billy Jack gets his powers from the long conversations he has with those he is about to fight. The longer he calmly talks before attacking the greater his strength. If people didn't engage in parlay, and give him time to take off his shoes, then Billy Jack would be much easier to take down. Unfortunately for the bad guys cowboy ringleader sees no problem with having a conversation. Then Billy Jack sucker kicks about three people. If they would have just attacked when they first came in the room that wouldn't have happened. At least this time they didn't give Billy Jack permission to kick them in the knees.
It turns out a years of martial arts practice is a superior training method for combat then drinking PBR and picking on teenage girls. Soon cowboys are getting kicked out of windows and going through tables like its ECW cirqa 1996. This movie sucks hardcore but I'll be damned if this one scene isn't awesome. This is what 70% of Billy Jack should be, awesome fighting. 20% is political stuff, and then the rest is improve comedy. That is what The Trial of Billy Jack should have been like.
Its down to cowboy ringleader and Billy Jack. Cowboy ringleader has a knife but his skill is weak. Not even his 70s mustache can help him now. Billy Jack twists his arm so cowboy ringleader stabs himself, then to add insult to injury he kicks the guy through a window into the room where all the old people and Blue Elk are hanging out.
Billy Jack is violent but nice, and helps relocate the shoulder of a guy he just got finished beating up. Posner pulls a gun, I'm amazed nobody thought of this before, and tries to shoot Billy. Billy is all "Jesus Christ Posner, give it a rest," but Posner will not give it a rest. He puts Billy Jack and Akido master under citizen's arrest for assaulting 30 armed cowboys. Akido master thinks this is bullshit so Posner shoots him.
Look at that. You see Billy Jack give you that look and you know you are fucked. No more talking or nothing. You made Billy Jack mad. Posner shits his pants when Billy starts running at him. He fires the gun but it has no effect. Billy Jack jumps up and does a flying kick into Posner's neck, killing him instantly and causing him to poop his pants again.
The sheriff who isn't an asshole tells Billy he has to take him in since that's generally the procedure when you kill somebody, even in self defense. Billy refuses because he thinks he will be killed by the police. This sheriff is the only government official who isn't evil, and tells Billy Jack he will stay with him and protect him. Billy Jack is considering giving himself up when a bunch of hippies rush in and start rioting. The good guy sheriff gets walloped in the head and a police car gets flipped. The riot squad shows up and start beating hippies like they're black people (that is the hippies are being beat so bad it is like they are black people. I am not saying the police are as good at delivering beating as black people.)
