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Degrassi TNG: Soap Opera Summer 2010 - Week 1

"What a Girl Wants" part 1

Season 10 Episodes 1-4
Canadian airdate: July 19-22, 2010

Boycott the Caf name: "Fiona Gets What's Coming to Her"
Important characters: Holly J, Fiona, Declan, Sav, Anya, Clare, Mini-Connor, Alli
Issue of the Week: Abusive relationships

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OK, so the soap-opera summer has begun. Degrassi will be airing 24 episodes over the summer, 4 nights a week for six weeks. And I have to make fun of them. Looks like I am not going to be able to go outside until September when Michigan has already turned cold and rainy.

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Canada's high society expatriate community is throwing a party for Holly J, who will soon be leaving New York for the cold hellhole of Toronto. Fiona has got her head together since the New York TV movie and is dating the first boy she is not related to. Declan asks the new boyfriend, Bobby, about golfing with the Sultan. Don't be impressed, it's the Sultan of Savings, a man who owns a chain of hardware stores in Ontario and dresses up as a sultan in his commercials. He rides a magic carpet and calls upon a genie to drop prices. Everyone in Toronto knows those commercials. Some of the spots after 9/11 were kind of racist, but these kids are too young to really remember those.

Declan is jealous that Fiona is getting intimate with a boy who isn't him.

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Back at Canada, school is about to begin. The Dot has been redesigned since the explosion. You know how most McDonald's look like fancy coffee shops now? Yeah, the new Dot looks like that. Peter is working the register. Shouldn't he have graduated and gone to college this fall? I don't remember if he was in the ceremony along with Jane and Webster. He should have been, right? He's been on the show since season 5. Maybe when we met him in season 5 he was a 6th grader.

You know what is messed up? Now that Spinner has left the show, Peter is the current character who has been on the show the longest.

Sav orders a coffee and says he will be lonely because all his friends graduated and his stupid band was dissolved after their only good player finally realized it was pretty lame of him to spend all his time around high schoolers when he is 22. Spinner was spending more time at Degrassi after he graduated than when he was a student. Most young people if they ever go back to their old high school, do so maybe once a year to see a basketball game or homecoming. Spinner was hanging out in the caf every week playing drums.

A new boy comes by. He pays special attention to Sav, so much that it comes off like a gay crush. Man, if you were a gay dude, you could do way better than Sav. I'm just saying.

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Back in New York, Holly J and Fiona have made up and will be friends now. Fiona has had her redemption from being a villain moment in the TV movie, so now we're going to get a story where we can be sympathetic to her. They did that with Paige when she was raped, Alex when she was shown to be poor and from an abusive home, Holly J when she was reduced to poverty, and Peter when...well, Peter was never actually redeemed. I mean, he did bad things and then he did something good, and then he did something really bad again. Jay wasn't really redeemed either. He spent his time post-expulsion by partying at the Ravine and shoplifting, which makes him one of the show's coolest character. He lives life to the max!

So, is Holly J just going to skip school? She's just going to lounge around New York until whenever then? Declan and Fiona have to start their prep school. Maybe Holly J is going to catch a taping of The Daily Show.

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It's also the first day of Degrassi. Alli is pissed to see that she is only ranked #42 on Dave's Girls of Degrassi page. Dave (Mini-Connor) and Connor (Connor) made it for their own dorky perv reasons. Alli is upset that only being #42 will make it hard for her to find a man. She should be pissed that these boys were ranking all the girls. Why would Alli even think this list matters? I don't even think it's a website. That looks more like a Word document. Alli is so dumb.

Mr. Simpson has been promoted to principal, the second female principal in Degrassi's history. He took the chairs out of the Media Immersion room and replaced them with Raditch's old Swiss exercise balls. Raditch had a lot of Swiss exercise balls. There were how he made do without a woman. Now the children have to sit on them for ergonomic reasons or some such Canadian new age bullshit.

See, the balls are representative of the testicles Simpson doesn't have when he wife had him castrated. That's why he obsesses over them so.

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Holly J returns home. Oh, I guess she did skip the first day of school. Damn it Degrassi, I can't make fun of your plot holes if you fill them in. Her room reminds me of Rory Gilmore's on The Gilmore Girls. They are both shrines to the Ivy League colleges they want to attend.

There are mysterious empty cardboard boxes in her room. The boxes represents Holly J's vulva, which is wide and starchy. I know how to look for subtext.

Holly J's mom tells them that they have to sell the house and move into an apartment to save money. Holly J's dad still does not have a job. I would make a stupid joke here, but I kind of need to speed through these reviews of the daily episodes.

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Holly J is running for class president. She wants to win because it will look good on her college application to Yale and she'll need scholarships in order to afford tuition.

But Sav has decided to enter the race against her. Sav's mother encouraged him because she thinks he is the most popular boy in school. Pfft! Yeah, she's a mom alright. Sav's mother also does not think that one girl running for office makes for a good democracy. What does she know about democracy? Isn't she from Pakistan or someplace? The reason Sav's mom doesn't think the school election represents democracy is because a woman is allowed to run for office. The Ayatollah would not approve.

While Sav and Holly J are talking, that boy who is gay for Sav butts in. He is relieved to find that Holly J is not Sav's girlfriend or anything. God, it's so insulting to gays that the writers would think a person could ever mistake Sav is one.

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Declan and Fiona begin attending Vanderbilt Prep, the fancy private school for wealthy Canadian families who are seeking tax refuge in the United States. Fiona is shown around by Bobby, who is also kind of abusive. He grabs her arm one time. Fiona is all like, 'But he still loves me, Maury!' and doesn't break up with him.

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Back at Degrassi, Sav announces his candidacy for president. He tells the room that "This is the face of change." More like this is the face of a teenage boy with permanent five o'clock shadow. Ha ha. Take that, Sav!

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Bobby went out with the boys and Declan last night. Fiona asks what they did, but Bobby doesn't answer because it was probably something gay they'd like to forget.

Bobby kicks Fiona's ass again. He throws her down on the couch because he wants some loving Dean style. Fiona slaps him and Bobby punches her in the face. Man, the slap to the face is not a good defense. It basically rests on the man not wanting to escalate and hurt a girl back, so I don't think it will work if you're about to be raped. For extra effect, Fiona should have shouted, "Brute!" and then "Trying to get fresh, I see."

Instead, Fiona tells him, "Get oot! Oot!" in the most Canadian way. Bobby leaves.

The next day, Fiona applies makeup to hide her bruise. I don't think that is the right shade for her face. Now, instead of a bruise, she's going to have a yellow blotch on her face.

OK, in my notes I had written "Coyne slot". I'm not sure why. I think I was going to write that Bobby wanted to get in Fiona's Coyne slot. Yes, that's it. That's a very funny joke.

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