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Degrassi: "Chasing Pavements" part 1

Season 10 Episodes 41 & 42
Canadian airdate: April 1 & 8, 2011

Boycott the Caf name: "Fiona Lezzes Out"
Important characters: Fiona, Holly J, Anya, Alli, Adam, Owen
Issue of the Week: Law and order, lesbian love, lewdness

Part [1 - 2]

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Fiona is now attending Alcoholics Anonymous. The Degrassi writers are no doubt very familiar with AA, so I am sure this is an accurate representation of their meetings. Fiona stands up and tells the group about her experience with alcohol. "I was so drunk I started dating a boy, and he didn't even have a penis!" Fiona cries. "I tried to substitute with carrot sticks, and now the inside of my vagina is orange."

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Holly J is there as well. Unless I missed it in the episodes I don't watch, she is not an alcoholic. The only liquid Holly J is addicted to is her own blood, sweat, and tears. Also LSD. "I ran here straight after dialysis," Holly J says to her friend. Dialysis?? What has been going on in the episodes Johnny reviews that I don't watch? It sounds like a totally different show. Holly J and Fiona have the lives of two 65-year-old men. Fiona sits alone in her house and drinks all day, while Holly J is on kidney dialysis. At least Holly J can use the words I ran and dialysis in the same sentence.

After the meeting, Fiona says she needs the public speaking experience when she testifies against Bobby the beater of broads, both brunette and blonde this week. "Aboot that," says her mom, "We need to talk...that was a year ago. You've been drunk for a long time."

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After the credits, we see Alli in Mr. Simpson's office with her (Alli's) father. Alli is returning to Degrassi after a solid two weeks at the madrasah. Alli thanks Mr. Simpson for giving her a second chance. What second chance? Alli wasn't expelled. Mr. Simpson says Alli's return will help boost the school's math scores. He said this to the South Asian girl while her dad was there and no one called him a racist. Maybe that's not a stereotype in Canada. Maybe in Canada, people from Asia are instead perceived as the ones who drink lots of grape soda and fill up prisons, making Canada the black man's paradise.

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Bobby has offered Fiona a $100,000 settlement to drop the charges. Her mom wants her to accept it because she began drinking during her deposition and more trials will try her sobriety (LOL!). Fiona says she can handle it and whenever she thinks about drinking, she copes by describing the room she is in (she used to describe the room as spinning).

Fiona rejects the settlement offer. It's going to trial. Her mom warns her that her father will not be there for her because he has never been cast, and Declan is still away on his school trip. Declan's still on his school trip? How long has this school trip lasted? I'm pretty sure it was mentioned in a previous episode. Whenever an actor leaves for another show, are the writers going to say the character is away on a trip? I suppose Mia could still be modeling in Europe, but Darcy's been building that house in Africa for five years now. I can't imagine it it takes more than 15 minutes to assemble a house in Africa. It only takes longer because you have to wait a day for the mud to dry before anyone can move in. Darcy must have ran away and joined a Zulu tribe.

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The trial gets underway. Except it's in a meeting room rather than a courtroom and everyone sits around a table. Bobby's and his lawyers enter after Fiona and her entourage. That blonde girl from the last Bobby episode is there. Is she one of his lawyers? That reminds me of a girl I went to school with. Everyone thought she was kind of ditz because she was a fashion major. But she surprised us all when she was accepted into Harvard Law. For real. She was even involved in a pretty important murder case a few years back and got her client acquitted. Last I heard, she was working in Washington DC and doing well. I think she was so driven because people always underestimated her due to her blonde hair. If you listen to her, you'd think people with blonde hair are the truly oppressed in our society. I think she needs some perspective. I also hear she sucked a ton of dicks to get where she is now.

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Bobby's lawyer questions Fiona and brings up the fact that she touched up her bruise with makeup and has a drinking problem. "One final question," the lawyer asks, "have you ever had a successful romantic relationship?" Probably not, she's only 17. That lawyer is a cunt.

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The trial breaks for lunch. Man, the Degrassi producers have totally forgotten which country their show is set in.

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Actually, the trial is in New York City. Perhaps it has to take place in New York, but is being held under Canadian law. The judge is the Canadian ambassador to the United States. That's the best explanation I can come up with. I think this is may be an arbitration hearing. Except earlier, Fiona and her mom said they were pressing charges on Bobby, which means they want him charged with a crime. And that has to be held in a courtroom in front of a jury. Now I don't know what's what.

This comes from the show that said Declan had diplomatic immunity even though he was a Canadian living inside Canada and his dad was an ambassador even though Toronto doesn't have any embassies.

And, by the way, Bobby's evil shitgrin smirk is nowhere as dastardly as Dastardly Dean's.

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D it look to anyone else like these three ladies were sitting in front of a green screen during the lunch scene? The background looks really flat and the camera sticks close to the table. Holly J says she has to pass a kidney stone in the same casual tone someone excuses themselves to go pee. Shouldn't that be extremely painful for her?

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Fiona starts to feel the urge to drink when she sees a bottle of water. New York City must have a fucked up water system.

Back at Degrassi, Alli tells Clare they need to do their best on the standardized math test or else Mr. Simpson could get fired. Degrassi appears to be under the No Child Left Behind Act. Did we annex Canada sometime last year? Because no one told me.

This is as good a time as any for me to present my comparison of recent US presidents to Degrassi teachers.
This Principal is like this President because
George H.W. Bush

After many years of being the loyal underling to the man in charge, he succeeded his mentor to sit in the big chair himself. His administration lasted on four short years. He was somewhat old school in approach, which made it hard or him to connect with young people. He adopted an antagonistic attitude to the environmentalist movement (Emma) and seemed to actively dislike poor people (Sean).

He ultimately left office with low popularity, though a certain successor to his job may have made his administration look better in comparison.

Bill Clinton

She came into office brining a youthful energy and prepared to try new ideas. She was supportive of the arts and educating students about STDs early in her administration, which was marred by missteps concerning the gay community (Marco). She was also popular with Hollywood (Kevin Smith).

Her administration saw the rise of zero-tolerance policies in schools and a harsher punishments for drug use. However, her time in office is most remembered for a sex scandal with a subordinate (who is way below her level in attractiveness).

The Shep
George W. Bush

A complete fucking dumbass. In just a year and a half, he managed to alienate an entire generation of students. His administration was marked by a strong anti-intellectual streak. A frat boy at heart, when it came to education, he only cared about the football team.

He came with an over-inflated sense of his own greatness and demanded total loyalty from those below him. Anyone who disagreed with his policies was considered as good as treasonous. What kind of morons thought he would be fit for this job? I didn't vote for him. A cowardly legislature (school board) completely dropped the ball in checking his authority

Barack Obama

He had spent years as a community (school) organizer, working to assist the under privileged. He married a strong woman who wasn't about to let a man boss her around.

A tech savy man of Generation X, he came into office with bold ideas and the expectation of hope and change, and an admiration for Canadian health care. Unfortunately, a severe recession, and cutbacks to spending on schools have stymied his bold plans for education reform. His administration saw an even bigger increase in needless security measures and police state tactics.

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We return to the trial. That blonde girl testifies by standing up. She says that Bobby is a good guy. Fiona's lawyer is like "Really? He's really a good guy? Really?" Some revealing music plays and the girl breaks down and tells about the time when Bobby was jealous of her talking to another guy at a party and slapped her.

curtesy: Cookie Cutter World

This is a Law & Order twist!!! And right at the 22 minute mark, too. Law & Order always does this. The police think they have caught the killer ten minutes into the episode. But then at the 20 minute mark, there is a revelation that someone else has to be the killer. Law & Order also always has a person making an tearful confession at the witness stand towards the end of the episode.

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Back at Degrassi. Ms Oh approaches Alli and tells her to check her e-mail. I can tell that Ms Oh is my age because she remembers having e-mail in 1999 when you only had Hotmail and a 56k modem, which both are a POS, and you couldn't always tell if the message went through or your connection timed out right when you clicked Send. Ms. Oh has to check with Alli to make sure she got her e-mail, which contained a forwarded list of jokes about Bill Clinton being a pervert and Al Gore being Sore Loserman.

Ms. Oh is always talking to Alli this episode. Does Ms. Oh want to be Alli's friend? Ms. Oh must have been a member of the Asian nerds clique back when she was a high school student and wants to get in with Alli to sit with the cool Asians this time around. Sav is excluded.

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The ambassador rules in favor of Fiona and order Bobby to pay her $250,000. That's justice! The blonde girl gives Fiona a nod and then Fiona kisses Holly J. Holly J is surprised and pulls back. Boo.

This is how every episode should end. Two girls kiss, fade to credits.

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Meanwhile the other plot is about Anya and some other kids taking CPR training in gym class. Anya wants to partner with Chante because she has a real puurty mouth, but Chante says no. Chante has failed senor year five times already and needs a better partner or she'll never graduate. Anya has to partner up Owen. I don't know who Owen is. He is a jock, but I haven't seen him make out with Riley, so he must be a bully. That's how Degrassi works. All the good guys on this show are really skinny, while all the boys with muscle mass are the bad guys, unless they are gay. You can tell the people who produce Degrassi were beaten up a lot in high school.

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Owen is excited. "CPR equals life guard training," he says, "which equals hot chicks in bikinis. It's a cliche, but it is a true cliche." I'm pretty sure Zack Morris said that exact same thing on a Saved by the Bell episode where they were all summer lifeguards. He makes Anya really uncomfortable by touching her and then making sexual comments when she does mouth-to-mouth with the dummy. Man, Toby was so much smoother than him when it came to girls and a CPR dummy.

Anya goes to Coach Armstrong and gets Owen kicked out of CPR. He is mad about that because he will not get to become a lifeguard this summer without his CPR certification. And there's nowhere else in Toronto he'll be able to take a CPR class, I guess. Anya tells Owen she doesn't like him because he is a homophobe and was creepy towards her. The boy then asks Anya out. God, I can not believe this guy has a worse game than Toby.

Part [1 - 2]

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